Unfortunately for Tulsa star Damaris Johnson, you can't stiffarm your way out of a felony embezzlement charge.
If you follow college football, you should know the name Damaris Johnson, after all, it’s a name that sits on top of the all-time NCAA leaderboard for total yards. Sadly, much of the college football world is just getting acquainted with Johnson this week following his arrest on a charge of felony embezzlement.
The police have alleged that Johnson twice used his girlfriend’s debit card to purchase thousands of dollars of merchandise at a local Macy’s department store, but was only charged only a small fraction of the merchandise’s value.
Upon hearing this story, I immediately knew something was fishy. My wife and I had a Macy’s registry for our wedding last month, and I am well aware that that store lacks anything that would be of interest to a 22 year old male. Would Damaris really risk his career for three thousand dollars worth of Martha Stewart living cookware? I don’t think so. With these suspicions driving me, I set out to find the critical clues that would exonerate Damaris and in the process save Tulsa’s football season.
The first break in the case was one of the items Damaris allegedly “embezzled,” a size 9 fitted hat. For those of you not familiar with hat sizes, I have a pretty giant head, and my hat size is only 7-5/8. A size 9 hat would only be appropriate for somebody with a really unbelievably massive head, and it certainly would not fit 5-7, 170 pound Damaris.
After thinking about the hat for a while, I began to think about motive. Who would want Tulsa’s star player out of the equation for the season. At first I suspected Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops (Tulsa’s week 1 opponent), but quickly realized that Stoops was dumb as a box of rocks and wouldn’t have the wherewithal or brains to pull off such a maneuver.
Like many OU fans, Stoops has persevered through his mental handicap for years.
I decided to approach the motive question differently, and instead of asking “who wants to beat Tulsa” I began to think “who wants Tulsa to fail?” Suddenly, the answer was clear:
Todd Graham.
Pictured: Todd Graham and his giant head.
Former Tulsa coach Todd Graham left town last year after setting up the Golden Hurricane’s 2011 schedule with three top 10 opponents, and since moving to Pittsburgh Graham and his staff have repeatedly made references to the lack of talent of their former players in Tulsa. It was as if Graham wanted Tulsa to fail following his departure to prove to people that he alone was the reason for Tulsa’s success. Personally, I don’t even blame Graham, who has apparently studied the history of other fat blowhard coaches of overachieving small school teams who thought the grass would be greener in bigger conferences.
Todd Graham=Dan Hawkins 2.0?
Hawkins famously flamed out at Colorado while his successor at Boise State, Chris Petersen, went on to lead the Broncos to much greater heights than Hawkins ever had. Hawkins is now head coach at Division III school Williamette, where I’m sure he’d hold a defensive coordinator position for Graham if he wanted it.
But why, you ask. Why would Graham hurt the player who is arguably the biggest reason behind million dollar raise?
While posing this question to one of Graham’s close friends, who wished to remain anonymous, I found out that Graham’s favorite off-season activity is baby seal-clubbing. Said the source:
“Yeah, he’ll go out, smash a few baby seals. He’s sick, he doesn’t even sell the skins, he just does it for fun, says it makes him feel powerful. I think in the end Damaris was just another baby seal for Todd to club.”
Literally thousands of baby seals have died at the hands of Todd Graham, according to our source.
I asked my tipster how Todd Graham could have pulled off such an elaborate frame-job. There was no indication of Graham’s involvement anywhere in the police report, and Graham has yet to even be interviewed by Tulsa Police.
“Well, if his past accomplishments are any indication, he probably hired an assistant with a brilliant scheme to pull off the miracle for him. I guess the only difference now is that he probably won’t be taking the credit for this one. Honestly, this isn’t even the first frame job Graham has pulled off, remember Dana Holgorsen?”
Todd Graham remains at large with his accomplice, known only as one Giant Ego. If you have any information on the whereabouts of Todd Graham please leave that in the comments. Graham was last seen in South Bend, Indiana, demanding that the Notre Dame administration declare last year’s Tulsa game the worst loss in Notre Dame history.
